WTHIGO #1

I'm hopelessly Western. I don't speak a word of Japanese, I have accepted that learning how to use chop sticks is a waste of time for me and I really don't give a damn about crazy Asian religions when it's hard enough for me have patience for crazy European religions. So maybe the following project is just a result of my willful ignorance. That doesn't mean it can't still be funny.

Today, I am debuting a new feature on Kabuki Shojo called What The Hell Is Going On? In this column, I will have a series of artifacts from Japanese culture, past and present, hand picked for me by people who have some understanding of them. I will then, without being given context, attempt to determine just what the hell is going on in the drawing, photograph, video clip, or other media. Afterward, I will ask the selecting party to explain to me what is actually happening and I will report on my own accuracy using an objective scale. Without further ado:

What The Hell Is Going On: In this clip, judging by his flowing, blue garments, a man appears to have been roused from slumber by a team of inept burglars. Their narcissism was ultimately their downfall, as they obviously insisted on each one having a unique color for their coordinated thief outfits and some of them chose colors that were really too loud for a stealthy night operation. They were likely caught by the blue pajama man's very large family, who now sit observing the punishment.

While most citizens would have simply allowed the judicial system to process these hooligans, blue pajama man decided to evoke an archaic but still technically legal clause in the criminal justice system of Yamagata Prefecture. The Hijakara Clause, once popular in the lean post-war days of the 1950's, permits a citizen to publicly administer a firm strike to the genital region of a burglar convicted of breaking and entering on his or her property.

Blue pajama man had to wait for the judge in his case to accept a request to automate the procedure due to BPM's limited range of motion in his knees thanks to a youth spent as a stubborn aspiring track and field star. He pushed himself too hard despite the pleas of his coach and family. One day during an important hurtles event, nature finally struck and the poor man's knee ligaments experienced an epic tear. He was confined to his home after a lengthy stay in a physical rehabilitation center, which is where he developed his penchant for blue pajamas.

Now BPM is forcing his pent up frustration on the squad of inept burglars, forcing them to read aloud their crimes before administering the testicle-shattering punishment. One even pleads for mercy, to no avail.

What's Actually Happening: It's a game show where men are asked to recite a difficult tongue-twister. If they make a mistake, they are socked in the nuts. I guess if they say it correctly, the prize is to not be assaulted. How novel.

How Accurate I Was: 5/10- Ok, so it wasn't an attempt to evoke the Hijakara Clause, but I'm willing to believe that it was directly inspired by it.